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The Mummy Returns

The Scexit Files: Sunday Post, 15th Nov 2024

Fury broke out last night in the deadlocked Scexit negotiations. With Scottish independence officially set for Hogmanay 2024, the ‘divorce settlement’ is reaching the end game. The latest row exploded when Scottish government sources insisted on a share of the British Museum’s Egyptian collection. Officials stressed they were simply adapting the Salmond principle: “After all, it’s Scotland’s loot too.”

Last month, the Post reported on the controversial deal to divide Lord Elgin’s historic bequests to the museum (see ‘Don’t Lose our Marbles,’ 25th Oct 2024). “Unfortunately, we had to give up some of the Greek stuff,” a negotiator admitted, after protests from Athens. Diplomats hint that Scotland may donate three torsos and a winged messenger in return for the Greek government dropping a threat to veto the country’s EU membership application. 

However, plans to reallocate the remaining treasures have caused alarm at Holyrood. “They think we’re barbarians! All we get is a few Hittite tables and a pile of Assyrian back scratchers.”

Exhibits from the Valley of the Kings are now a key priority for Scots negotiators. “Egypt is a red line in the sand for us,” the Post has learned. Briefings suggest a four ton bust of Amenhotep III with the double crown of Upper and Lower Egypt has already been secured. Sources deny that they sacrificed everything to obtain the colossus after supporters noted the curve of the neck closely matched the First Minister’s silhouette. “It’s uncanny,” a loyalist admitted, but officials rejected accusations of political vanity. “We had no choice,” a senior member of the Scottish delegation insisted. “Anyway, the Rosetta Stone is just a glorified bingo card.” 

Ministers believe that the three metre tall Egyptian icon will become an important symbol of unity between the Highlands and Lowlands, especially with Scottish regional separatism flaring up. “We’re better together,” party sources admitted, “but we have to be subtle about it.” The bust will be put on permanent display at Stirling Castle alongside a section of Pharaoh Amenhotep’s left arm and clenched first.

Bleary-eyed officials are due to resume horse-trading later today. Several sarcophagi and embalmed royalty are still up for grabs. The Post has learned the First Minister personally intervened in one case yesterday. Windows rattled as she blasted the Director of Antiquities in an extraordinary late night rant, repeatedly insisting, “It’s Scotland’s mummy too!”

The spokesperson for the First Minister denied talks are headed for a breakdown, but ‘No Deal’ is still on the cards – unless the mummy returns.

Tune in next week for the next Scexit Files

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Written by Em de Blu

Em de Blu works in the enhanced interrogation industry. In his spare time, he enjoys wearing a mask and tearing the legs off spiders.

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Given that the Nats mostly refuse to acknowlege that we are all British AND Scottish, or that Scots did very well for themselves out of the Empire etc, they don’t deserve a share of the ‘loot’. I would expect the BM and other institutions to tell them to go away and fornicate with themselves.

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