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Cabertosser to the rescue!

Image: Mark Devlin

The Scexit Files: The Economist, 30 Nov 2025

It’s official: Dennis the Menace – and Gnasher – have been nationalised. In a milestone for Scotland’s post-Independence industrial policy, ministers raised a dram yesterday as DC Thomson was finally brought under public ownership. 

The takeover was agreed after a Nationalist boycott of the traditionally Unionist company led directors to raise the white flag earlier in the year. “We used Bash Street Kids tactics against them … heh-heh-heh,” admitted a Culture Ministry official on condition of anonymity.

The longstanding publisher of The Beano, The Dandy, The Broons and other traditional family favourites aims to take on mighty rivals like Disney, Marvel and DreamWorks with the creation of DCT, a cutting-edge Scottish champion in the superhero stakes. “Desperate Dan needs to step up to the big league,” a Scottish government strategist explained.

The Company’s new CEO, Sir Murrell Sturgeon (no relation), has insisted its portfolio of well-loved characters will be shielded from any editorial interference, though keen-eyed Westminster correspondents have noted Dennis the Menace now sports an unruly blond mop – while Gnasher, his canine sidekick, has a more contemporary vibe, complete with hoodie and shaved head. 

Looks familiar? “You might very well think that,” a DCT spokesperson conceded, “but I couldn’t possibly comment.”

The Broons, of course, will remain The Broons, but with a new character, Uncle Gordon, added to the usual family frolics. “He’s a great laugh. A typical old grump, living in the past, worrying himself silly about pensions. Phwah … what a loser!”

Some subtle changes are planned, however. Under the new green policy guidelines, The Bash Street Kids will be gobbling up double helpings of baked beans before converting their teacher’s hand-cranked charabanc to freshly farted bio-gas. Desperate Dan, meanwhile, will no longer be stuffing himself with cow pie. “A vegan vol-au-vent is just as scrummy!” explained DCT’s Thought Leadership Team. 

The most controversial change will be with Minnie the Minx, now transitioning to Mannie the Minx, the first openly transsexual cartoon character. “Flexy is the new sexy,” enthused Dudley Auchterloonie, Professor of Self-Identity, in a review of editorial policy. 

Less sexy – and rather more pesky – is an increasing number of bi-national self-identifiers coming out among Scotland’s border and island communities. The government is urging DCT to play its part in holding the line against GB+ groups after commissioning its artists to work on a new patriotic animation superheroes.

A trailer has already been produced for Cabertosser. At the preview, children goggled open-mouthed as epic legs bestrode mountain and glen in a pyrotechnic dazzle of tartan flamboyance. Androgenous and be-kilted, the jut-jawed Gallowglass warrior crushes an army of disloyalist reactionaries – KERR-SPLATT!! – with a single caber tossed from 10km, while their sidekick, Haggishurler, lobs boiled sheep stomachs at Tories.

“The high-tech sporran is a real boon for Scottish innovation, bristling with all the latest sat-nav and laser beams ‘n’ stuff,” the company’s Digital Outreach Manager insisted. “The kids think it’s totally BLAM!”

Further kilt-edged opportunities are predicted as DCT targets eye-popping animation and merchandising profits in Asia. “The Chinese are calling it Skirtman,” grinned Sir Murrell. “Just wait till y’see our kidswear range.”

On the markets, it was “Jings,” “Crivvens,” and “Help ma Boab!!” as the SCOTEX index bounced back on the news. The Scots pound also rose, reaching 60p (Sterling) for the first time this year. For Scotland’s post-Scexit policymakers, it’s Batman beware, Godzilla begone. Cabertosser is coming to THWACK and SPLATT!!

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Written by Em de Blu

Em de Blu works in the enhanced interrogation industry. In his spare time, he enjoys wearing a mask and tearing the legs off spiders.

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