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Make Scotland Independent Again

The Scexit Files: BBC News Online 11 November 2021

Like a tank with a flamethrower, President Trump has set the heather ablaze from his golf buggy at Turnberry. 

With legal battles still ongoing to decide the winner of the 2020 election, The Donald startled photographers as he trundled down the fairway, wearing a blue baseball cap with the striking message: Make Scotland Independent Again.

Experts agree, not since De Gaulle ended a state visit to Canada with ‘Vive le Quebec libre’ has anyone let loose with such a rip-roaring, undiplomatic stinker. 

Signing autographs, the man of the moment grinned to the cameras. “I’m so proud of this MSIA hat – y’see, it sounds like Messiah…a second coming for Scotland.” 

“Yeah, those Hebridee-be-jeeby islands are my second home … my mother’s motherland…the Outer ones and also the Inner ones…it’s a quality set, if you’re collecting them…”

“Y’gotta be careful with real estate, though,” he warned. “Many people don’t realise Greenland isn’t even green – an iceberg, probably – but listen, my old mom gave me the Heebie-jeebies … and I’m proud of it …”

A spokesperson for Scotland’s First Minister was tight-lipped about the presidential choice of headwear, but party sources were shell-shocked: “It’s the endorsement from hell.” 

Reports indicate that the Trump Organisation quietly copyrighted the MSIA slogan after the first independence referendum in 2014. The president’s former advisor, Steve Bannon, has admitted working on a grand coalition of political disrupters across the world including Trump, Putin, Berlusconi, Erdogan … Farage and now the SNP: “We nationalists are building an Alliance for Disunity,” he grinned.

Experts at the Centre for Strategic Studies suspect Trump may also be looking for a bolthole, if the legal noose begins to tighten round his business empire, once he loses presidential immunity. “I don’t think he’d fancy living in Moscow, but Turnberry might just suit him.” 

At the Scottish Government’s ‘Homecoming’ campaign HQ, the scene echoed Munch’s ‘Scream’ as scurrying staff ran the press gauntlet. The department has been targeting 40 million people with Scots ancestry, encouraging tourism and investment in the mother country.

As a major investor, Trump would be entitled to a fast-tracked Scottish citizenship application…maybe even political asylum. “Homecoming has turned into Hellcoming,” admitted an ashen-faced official.

But some strategists believe the SNP might be willing to live with Trump’s support. “The truth is, he gives us access to some of the richest Scottish diaspora in the US. We may need them after Scexit.” 

The party has embraced right wing moguls in the past. Both Rupert Murdoch and Stagecoach tycoon, Sir Brian Souter, have admitted to past dalliances. Trump is only the latest in a line of flirtations with the filthy rich.

Asked how he got on with the First Minister, the president was in Casanova mode. “We’re getting closer and closer … like lips and teeth,” he drooled. “It’s love, actually. We both wanna leave NATO and we both hate that stinky Salmon guy.”

“The First Lady had to fumigate her dress after being in the same room with him … know what I mean.”

Meanwhile, Trump’s ‘Messiah hats’ are selling as fast as they can churn them out at a factory in Kilmarnock. “We thought we’d have to close down after the latest lockdown,” said owner, Dunlop Carnegie, “but the President’s order has given us a lifeline. He’s stronger for Scotland.” 

The question now is, what’s Trump up to? Could he even be planning a run for the Scottish parliament? Experts agree, anything could happen.

Hold on to your hats, The Donald’s in town!


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Written by Em de Blu

Em de Blu works in the enhanced interrogation industry. In his spare time, he enjoys wearing a mask and tearing the legs off spiders.

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