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‘Self-hating Scots’ urged to belt up

Illustration: Mark Devlin

The Scexit Files: Daily Record, 14th Sept. 2028

A festival of penny-pinching opened yesterday, as the newly appointed Finance Minister, Kylie Krankie, launched the inaugural Queen’s Awards for Belt-tightening on behalf of the post-Scexit government.

“I’m just bursting to tell everyone!” exclaimed Valerie Spark, after scooping the energy award. The young entrepreneur has plans to re-configure running machines in gyms across the country to supply the Scottish National Grid. “It’s a great way to tap into our extensive resources of obesity, after North Sea oil starts running out.”

The scheme has received firm backing from the new minister. “This is Scottish belt-tightening at its literal best,” Ms Krankie enthused. “It helps us fulfil our green energy commitments while developing people’s six packs.”

The first set of winners offered a wide-ranging showcase for cost-cutting innovation. One Stonehaven company has a newly patented Hyperglue made from the residue of deep fried Mars Bars. “Tons of ochre-brown sludge are thrown away every year, but once we process it, a couple of drops of this stuff could fix Mons Meg onto the Scott Monument,” explained CEO Sam Pritt. “Great if we ever need to bolster our defences!”

The aim of the awards is to help independent Scotland get the economy back under control. “We have such amazing talent to inspire us,” Ms Krankie insisted. “We all know that Molly Weir created the flash drive, but how many people realise Sean Connery devised the Martini while delivering milk in Edinburgh? All that shaking without stirring – Scottish innovation at its best.”

Transatlantic links are also part of the government recovery strategy. “It’s not just Alexander Graham Bell. Let’s not forget Scott’s discovery of Dilithium Crystals – that really put the warp into warp speed,” the Finance Minister reminded her audience. “It certainly beats all that old fashioned steam engine stuff … y’know … when Scotland was still shackled to Westminster.”  

Posing for selfies with the winners, the rookie politician was officially presented with her very own certificate, as the world’s youngest guardian of the public purse, by the Guinness Book of Records. After receiving two As and three Bs in her Higher results earlier this summer, Kylie Krankie is clearly blazing a trail for young Indy youth. 

As she handed out ‘LESS is MORE’ T-shirts to fans, the minister brushed aside criticism that she was too inexperienced to deal with post-Scexit ‘economic anorexia.’ Her message for doubters was blunt. “These are self-hating Scots! They know perfectly well that Pitt the Younger became Prime Minister at twenty-four.” 

“And look at Baby Doc Duvalier – President for life when still in his teens!” she added. “It just shows the true potential of Indy.”


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Written by Em de Blu

Em de Blu works in the enhanced interrogation industry. In his spare time, he enjoys wearing a mask and tearing the legs off spiders.

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