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Scexit means Sex-it!

The Sunday Mail, 17 Apr. 2022

Indy supporters were whipped into a frenzy yesterday as S&M for Scotland officially launched under the eye-catching banner ‘PAIN IS GAIN.’

The group’s Master-dominator, Donny Frank, was unrepentant. “Indy is KINKY” he proclaimed to supporters at the Cockburn Centre in Edinburgh. The campaign draws on the Marquis de Sade’s principle that psychological satisfaction comes only through enduring and inflicting sustained bouts of carefully controlled agony. “That’s why we stand in vats of cold porridge on a wet weekend,” he insisted. “Trust me, we’re the only intellectually honest campaign out there.”

Prof. Crispin Quint of the Political Sexology Project has been researching the often underestimated connections between pain and politics. “From a Sado-masochist perspective, the struggle for independence is such a profoundly thrilling prospect,” he notes. “The cuts will be excruciating, or so they hope.”

Master Frank agrees. “I know a lot of mainstream Indy supporters shrug their shoulders, arguing ‘no pain, no gain’,” he explained. “But they miss the point. Pain is patriotic – PAIN IS GAIN!”

Joining the group’s volunteers, Maddy Clark (22), cut a distinctive figure in her self-designed tartan latex as she handed out leaflets on Leith Walk. The young dental hygienist was particularly enthusiastic about the abuse she was receiving, even among the politically jaded. “I’ve already been cat-called by a couple of workmen, and it’s only just breakfast-time.” 

S&M for Scotland believes that a referendum victory will bring S&M culture into the mainstream. “We won’t need to go to special clubs (or even the dentist) to get our kicks. After Indy, we’ll be able to enjoy the agony in our everyday lives. We can even save money – these whips and lashes are not cheap, believe me. Scexit actually makes economic sense for your ordinary, hardworking sadomasochist.”

Claims of a golden age after independence only intensify the case. “Bring it on!” Master Frank exclaimed to reporters. “It just lulls people into a sense of complacency, so when the pain actually comes, it’ll be all the more excruciating!” 

A desire for the smack of firm government is another key factor, Professor Quint believes. “In fact, like most liberation movements, the SNP will be in charge of a de-facto one-party state after Indy. Even now, they’re great centralisers. It’s the next best thing to a full-on dictatorship.”

Meanwhile, as Maddy and her colleagues lobbied evening shoppers at Tescos, she had no doubts the constitutional constipation will all be worth it.

“After all – every little hurts.” 


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Written by Em de Blu

Em de Blu works in the enhanced interrogation industry. In his spare time, he enjoys wearing a mask and tearing the legs off spiders.

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