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STV Online: 15th August 2029

Scotland is about to undergo the biggest rebranding since the abolition of Pictland in the 9th century, according to documents seen by STV.

The Alba-SNP government has refused to comment on leaks that the post-Scexit Rebranding and De-Britification Commission has recommended a change to the country’s name, aiming to reposition it within the global marketplace.

Rumours that Alba would be incorporated into the official nomenclature have been circulating for months since the SNP was relegated to junior partner in the ruling coalition. But officials are still wary. “How long before it becomes Albatross? You’ve got to be so careful with these things. It’s even the name of a waste disposal company in Singapore.”

Scholars believe that Alba was derived from the Latin term ‘Albion,’ referring to the whole of the British Isles. “Through the mists of time, it gradually shrank to fit the borders of modern Scotland,” notes Professor Monboddo of Edinburgh University. “In a sense, you could say it really means Little Britain.”

“And as for the Scotti, they were believed to be a tribe of Irish pirates, according to historians. But who the hell really knows? It’s probably just as accurate to call ourselves Albanians.”

Negotiators in Brussels, however, point to concerns that the Republic of Albania may veto Scotland’s latest application to join the EU. “The game’s up if a Balkan backwater slams the door on us.”

Meanwhile, among the business community, ‘Scotapore’ is strongly fancied, based on the workaholic, low-tax Asian city-state. “In fact, we’re trying to get sponsorship for the name change from Google or Disney,” explained Digby McAdam of Sachman-Golds. “We’ve even approached MacDonalds with the slogan ‘Ye canny whack it!’, but there are legal issues…plus associations with Sadism…etc.”

Huawei, the Chinese mobile giant, is still said to be in talks, though critics suggest that the lack of tropical weather might be an obstacle. A spokesperson for the company denied any meteorological obstacles. “It’s the sweat of Scotaporean brows that will attract entrepreneurs.”

“We believe everyone will skip to work while their managers belt out ‘I did it Huawei’.”

Officials at Hollyrood were more rueful. “Given the state of our finances, it’ll probably be ‘My way or the Huawei’.”

So far, Bute House has been Mute House on the issue, but late last night, ministers were still insisting that the term ‘Scot’ will remain in the country’s name. “It’s absolutely non-negotiable.” 

Insiders expect a compromise will eventually be found. Bookies are already offering odds of 2:1 that a referendum will be held on ‘The Albanian Republic of Scotapore’ early next year. 

Betting, however, has been suspended on the internet domain name ARS.


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Written by Em de Blu

Em de Blu works in the enhanced interrogation industry. In his spare time, he enjoys wearing a mask and tearing the legs off spiders.

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What about Labour?

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