Ministers hail anti-Union vaccine

Anti Unionist Vaccine

The Scexit Files: The Herald, February 2028

Not since independence have ministers been so upbeat. The spike in second thoughts has continued to spread across Scotland, but finally the long-awaited Anti-Unionist vaccine (ANTI-U 27) has been given emergency approval by regulators. 

Officials welcomed the announcement. “As we have said repeatedly, the Scottish government has always followed the ideology,” a spokesperson insisted. “But now I am pleased to say we have five million doses of hope.”  

Supporters were euphoric. “From Tier 4 to Tears of Joy,” hailed The National in a front page editorial. The jag comes just in time for embattled ministers trying to contain the virus. The over-fifties have always been vulnerable, but persistent hotspots in Aberdeenshire, as well as the Northern Isles and Borders, are now spreading to parts of the Central Belt. 

Efforts to quarantine people from dangerous economic data have only been partially successful, resulting in a persistent rise in second thoughts in areas previously considered invulnerable. Growing evidence suggests that the recently unemployed and those with mortgages are particularly susceptible. Despite intensive therapies, including upbeat announcements, patriotic songs and even reruns of Braveheart, the success rate has been patchy.

“The problem is that much unionism is asymptomatic,” a government source explained. “It’s often unaccompanied by any flag-waving and other tell-tale signs, so people don’t know they have it – until it’s too late.” 

Prof. Howard Firth of Caledonia University believes the vaccine will be a game-changer. “Basically, it works by blocking the nervous system’s natural doubt receptors using an infusion of utopian euphoria. This acts to stimulate the brain’s tendency towards tunnel vision.” Further tests indicate that it produces strong scapegoating antibodies that help protect the patient from most forms of evidence and counter-argument. The vaccine will be delivered in two doses, with a patriotism booster three weeks later. 

Questions still remain. Experts suggest that 80% coverage will be needed to achieve full herd immunity, but it is not clear if this is achievable, especially outside so-called ‘Middle Scotland.’ Sceptics worry it may be too late to avoid lasting damage. 

Aberdeen University’s Dr Hugh Pennyfeather warns the country should brace for the worst. “I suspect that total isolation – blockades, even – may be necessary in the end, though it’s not clear if ministers have the funds to support a full lockdown, especially without a stable currency.”

Ministers, however, remain confident. Asked if the vaccine would work, the Health Secretary was unequivocal. “Trust the ideology – be stronger for Scotland.”

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Written by Em de Blu

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