The Scexit Files

The Scexit Files: The National, 27th April 2021

Letters to the Editor:

Sir – Enough is enough! We have ferries that don’t float, an education system that’s sinking and we’re still top of the Champions League for drug deaths and child poverty. And if that wasn’t enough, ministers in Holyrood are dishing out ‘pork pies’ while their friends have a hand in the till. 

So, why-oh-why hasn’t the SNP found a proper scapegoat for all these shenanigans? Boris is a pig’s bladder on a stick, but even he can’t be blamed for this. 

STV Online: 15^th August 2029

Scotland is about to undergo the biggest rebranding since the abolition of Pictland in the 9^th century, according to documents seen by STV.

The Alba-SNP government has refused to comment on leaks that the post-Scexit Rebranding and De-Britification Commission has recommended a change to the country’s name, aiming to reposition it within the global marketplace.

Rumours that Alba would be incorporated into the official nomenclature have been circulating for months since the SNP was relegated to junior partner in the ruling coalition. But officials are still wary. “How long before it becomes Albatross? You’ve got to be so careful with these things. It’s even the name of a waste disposal company in Singapore.”

The Scexit Files: The Spectator, 10^th April 2021

At a tense briefing yesterday, SNP sources strenuously denied that any detergent was used to enforce ideological purity during the ongoing Sturgeonista-Salmondite split. The allegation emerged after a recording of a recent internal strategy meeting was obtained by The Spectator. 

An extract has now been published below in the public interest. (Identities have been amended for legal reasons). 

IAN: “TRAITORS!”

RUTH: “The Salmondite front is a total irrelevance now. We must focus on our campaigning as planned…”

The Sunday Mail, 17 Apr. 2022

Indy supporters were whipped into a frenzy yesterday as S&M for Scotland officially launched under the eye-catching banner ‘PAIN IS GAIN.’

The group’s Master-dominator, Donny Frank, was unrepentant. “Indy is KINKY” he proclaimed to supporters at the Cockburn Centre in Edinburgh. The campaign draws on the Marquis de Sade’s principle that psychological satisfaction comes only through enduring and inflicting sustained bouts of carefully controlled agony. “That's why we stand in vats of cold porridge on a wet weekend,” he insisted. “Trust me, we’re the only intellectually honest campaign out there.”

The Scexit Files: Business Scotland, 10th March 2030

“Ffffwwhaa!!” the man spluttered, “£17.49 for a pint!” almost choking on his own tongue. “Are you oot o’ y’r mind?” 

The CCTV camera caught it all. Facial recognition soon identified him as a Mr Rip Van McWinkle, ‘innocently’ ordering a well-deserved drink at the Glen Laggard Inn.

“Scots pounds,” the landlady explained. 

Rip was too busy grumbling to listen – “rassinfrassin-poundzapint” – as he fished through his coins one by methodical one.

The Scexit Files:  Channel Four, 5 March 2021

This week, Celebrity Gogglebox is in Cawdor with retired assassins, Lord and Lady Macbeth, as they cosy up together on the sofa. They’ve just been watching the latest news report from their homeland on Scotland’s current power couple.

“What the ????☠⭍ !!!,” grunts Macbeth to his wife. “Don’t they ever learn?”

Her ladyship nods. “That fishy woman can’t even organise a couple of witches.”

The Scexit Files: Daily Record, 14^th Sept. 2028

A festival of penny-pinching opened yesterday, as the newly appointed Finance Minister, Kylie Krankie, launched the inaugural Queen's Awards for Belt-tightening on behalf of the post-Scexit government.

“I’m just bursting to tell everyone!” exclaimed Valerie Spark, after scooping the energy award. The young entrepreneur has plans to re-configure running machines in gyms across the country to supply the Scottish National Grid. “It’s a great way to tap into our extensive resources of obesity, after North Sea oil starts running out.”

The Scexit Files: Sunday Herald, 15^th July 2026

“I lied in good faith.” 

With those words, Dr Jim Heckle, the Minister for Strategy in the post-Scexit cabinet, abruptly quit the Scottish government yesterday, citing mental health issues. 

“Since Indy, it’s been absolutely pile-driving,” Heckle explained in an exclusive interview with the Sunday Herald. “But the real problem with … y’know … cracking up,” he sobbed, “is that you don’t see it yourself.” 

The Scexit Files : Scots Magazine, 7 Apr. 2026

“Eeek … eek …”

The rats – gazillions of them – rampaged through the town, devouring every scrap, morsel and crumb. Ever since the financial crisis, the townsfolk had been plagued with them. But “… whazzzat?” A volley of drums crackled as the skirl of chanters blasted up street and alley, louder ‘n’ LOUDER till the pipers were marching inside your head … or so it seemed. 

The Scexit Files : Farming Today, 17 July, 2027

Old Mac is proud of his scapegoats. “My herd can be blamed for pretty much everything – from wars to waiting lists. Anything that gets your goat, really.” The old breeder is especially fond of his ram. “He’s a pure Old English. In great demand, these days.”

Prices have duly soared since Scexit. “It has been great for business,” he chuckles. Ever since border checks were introduced, you can’t get UK scapegoats for love nor money.