The Scexit Files

The Scexit Files: The Herald, February 2028

Not since independence have ministers been so upbeat. The spike in second thoughts has continued to spread across Scotland, but finally the long-awaited Anti-Unionist vaccine (ANTI-U 27) has been given emergency approval by regulators. 

Officials welcomed the announcement. “As we have said repeatedly, the Scottish government has always followed the ideology,” a spokesperson insisted. “But now I am pleased to say we have five million doses of hope.”  

The Scexit Files : (Scottish Review of Books, 20th Dec. 2030)

“Bloody humbuggery!” muttered McScrooge as the lights flickered ominously. Rob McCratchit, his so-called ‘special advisor,’ had taken a day off and now – dammit – the Finance Minister had to write his own seasonal message.

‘Happy Scotsmas to one and all …’

Crivvens!! Stuck already. Where the hell was McCratchit when you really needed him? Sighing deeply, McScrooge rested his leaden head against the monitor until his thoughts drifted onto …

The Scexit Files: New Scientist, April 2025

“Nothing escapes The Eye,” grins Dr Dave Bowman.

His lab at Heriot Watt has just unveiled the latest big data computer project that will revolutionise political campaigning. With cutting edge artificial intelligence, The Eye aims to win – and win big.

“Remember how Dominic Cummings scribbled for hours to come up with ‘Take Back Control’,” Bowman says. “Now, The Eye can pump out a killer slogan in 0.03 seconds, with 250 other ones to spare.”

The Scexit Files: The Tablet, 1 Dec. 2026

The Reverend I. M. Jolly is not his normal sunny self: “We’re doomed, I tell ye … doomed.”

The minister’s eyelids have been fluttering like moths since the Church of Scotland was stripped of its status as the official religion in Scexit Scotland. “And to think I supported Indy,” he groans. 

“The referendum asked ‘Do you believe' …,” the wistful clergyman recalls. “So, of course, I answered YES,” he admits, “… at least on Sundays.” 

The Scexit Files: BBC News Online 11 November 2021

Like a tank with a flamethrower, President Trump has set the heather ablaze from his golf buggy at Turnberry. 

With legal battles still ongoing to decide the winner of the 2020 election, The Donald startled photographers as he trundled down the fairway, wearing a blue baseball cap with the striking message: Make Scotland Independent Again.

Experts agree, not since De Gaulle ended a state visit to Canada with ‘Vive le Quebec libre' has anyone let loose with such a rip-roaring, undiplomatic stinker. 

The Scexit Files: (Hello Magazine, 16 Aug 2025)

As a gathering of the clans, it was a pretty rum affair. Two hundred and more Galloways stood on the slopes of The Merrick (2766 ft) to select their new chief after the ancient post lay vacant.

The vote, by acclamation, was unanimous. Swathed in plaid, the victor – known hereafter as The Galloway – beamed benevolently in his lizard-green regalia after officials at the Court of Lord Lyon, King at Arms, confirmed his appointment.

The Scexit Files: The Economist, 30 Nov 2025

It’s official: Dennis the Menace – and Gnasher – have been nationalised. In a milestone for Scotland’s post-Independence industrial policy, ministers raised a dram yesterday as DC Thomson was finally brought under public ownership. 

The takeover was agreed after a Nationalist boycott of the traditionally Unionist company led directors to raise the white flag earlier in the year. “We used Bash Street Kids tactics against them … heh-heh-heh,” admitted a Culture Ministry official on condition of anonymity.

The Scexit Files: Sunday Post, 15 Aug. 2025

Chaos came to Princes Street yesterday after Mac Lives Matter campaigners targeted Edinburgh’s iconic Scott Monument. The 197 foot ‘gothic rocket’ survived the attempt to drill through its supporting pillars, but Sir Walter Scott’s head did not.

Police cordoned off the scene as engineers inspected the damage. The attack is the most daring act so far in the unofficial MLM campaign to cleanse Scotland’s capital of ‘colonial’ symbols ahead of the first anniversary of independence in December. 

The Scexit Files: Sunday Post, 15^th Nov 2024

Fury broke out last night in the deadlocked Scexit negotiations. With Scottish independence officially set for Hogmanay 2024, the ‘divorce settlement’ is reaching the end game. The latest row exploded when Scottish government sources insisted on a share of the British Museum’s Egyptian collection. Officials stressed they were simply adapting the Salmond principle: “After all, it’s Scotland’s loot too.”

Last month, the Post reported on the controversial deal to divide Lord Elgin’s historic bequests to the museum (see ‘Don’t Lose our Marbles,’ 25^th Oct 2024). “Unfortunately, we had to give up some of the Greek stuff,” a negotiator admitted, after protests from Athens. Diplomats hint that Scotland may donate three torsos and a winged messenger in return for the Greek government dropping a threat to veto the country’s EU membership application.