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The People’s Front of Caledonia

Illustration: Mark Devlin

The Scexit Files: The Spectator, 10th April 2021

At a tense briefing yesterday, SNP sources strenuously denied that any detergent was used to enforce ideological purity during the ongoing Sturgeonista-Salmondite split. The allegation emerged after a recording of a recent internal strategy meeting was obtained by The Spectator

An extract has now been published below in the public interest. (Identities have been amended for legal reasons). 

IAN: “TRAITORS!”

RUTH: “The Salmondite front is a total irrelevance now. We must focus on our campaigning as planned…”

CONVENER: “Exactly…we need to get Scotland’s floating voters to question why we are still chained to the UK.” 

IAN: “…I mean, what have the British ever done for us?”

RUTH: “That’s right…nada, nuttin’, nought…”

JEAN: “Aye…it’s a big zero…except vaccines, of course.”

RUTH: “Bloody, sharp pointy things.”

CONVENER: “Well…yes…there’s vaccines…but…”

JIM: “…and the NHS…”

ANDY: “…plus border-free trade, of course.”

CONVENER: “Yeah-yeah…ok…but apart from vaccines, the NHS and border-free…”

JOHN: “The pound – it’s Scotland’s too, remember.”

JEAN: “Too right…we need all the dosh we can get.”

ANDY: “And we get membership of the UN Security Council…”

CONVENER: “Pffah!! BLOODY bourgeois talking shop…”

PETER: “…then there’s Darwin, Newton…”

KATE: “…David Attenborough…”

AHMED: “Yeah…and how about David Jason? I used to watch Only Fools and Horses and Dad’s Army too…they were great…”

PETER: “…and Monty Python…it’s an absolute classic.”

KATE: “Don’t forget The Beano, eh?”

CONVENER: “HEY!! That’s Scottish!

BRIAN: “[Inaudible] …but…well…aren’t Scottish sort of British too…”

CONVENER: “WHAT?!!!

RUTH: “Wash out your mouth with Fairy Liquid…”

BRIAN: “Well…y’see…that’s a great British brand…”

CONVENER: “GET HIM…”

RUTH: “…give him a GLASGOW KISS…”

[Recording ends]

Lawyers have issued a statement claiming that the organisation was infiltrated by agent-provocateurs. Speaking off the record, sources were more blunt: “We’re gonna ☠💣☠⭍ ! the Salmondite Front of Caledonia! They’re WORSE than the British!”


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Written by Em de Blu

Em de Blu works in the enhanced interrogation industry. In his spare time, he enjoys wearing a mask and tearing the legs off spiders.

Years Of Membership
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Ian Howarth

What did the British do for us? 
Ans: “A once in a lifetime” referendum in 2014; in which we voted to stay!

A lose-lose proposition

A week is a long time in politics