The Scexit Files: The Spectator, 10th April 2021
At a tense briefing yesterday, SNP sources strenuously denied that any detergent was used to enforce ideological purity during the ongoing Sturgeonista-Salmondite split. The allegation emerged after a recording of a recent internal strategy meeting was obtained by The Spectator.
An extract has now been published below in the public interest. (Identities have been amended for legal reasons).
RUTH: “The Salmondite front is a total irrelevance now. We must focus on our campaigning as planned…”
CONVENER: “Exactly…we need to get Scotland’s floating voters to question why we are still chained to the UK.”
IAN: “…I mean, what have the British ever done for us?”
RUTH: “That’s right…nada, nuttin’, nought…”
JEAN: “Aye…it’s a big zero…except vaccines, of course.”
RUTH: “Bloody, sharp pointy things.”
CONVENER: “Well…yes…there’s vaccines…but…”
JIM: “…and the NHS…”
ANDY: “…plus border-free trade, of course.”
CONVENER: “Yeah-yeah…ok…but apart from vaccines, the NHS and border-free…”
JOHN: “The pound – it’s Scotland’s too, remember.”
JEAN: “Too right…we need all the dosh we can get.”
ANDY: “And we get membership of the UN Security Council…”
CONVENER: “Pffah!! BLOODY bourgeois talking shop…”
PETER: “…then there’s Darwin, Newton…”
KATE: “…David Attenborough…”
AHMED: “Yeah…and how about David Jason? I used to watch Only Fools and Horses and Dad’s Army too…they were great…”
PETER: “…and Monty Python…it’s an absolute classic.”
KATE: “Don’t forget The Beano, eh?”
CONVENER: “HEY!! That’s Scottish!”
BRIAN: “[Inaudible] …but…well…aren’t Scottish sort of British too…”
RUTH: “Wash out your mouth with Fairy Liquid…”
BRIAN: “Well…y’see…that’s a great British brand…”
CONVENER: “GET HIM…”
RUTH: “…give him a GLASGOW KISS…”
Lawyers have issued a statement claiming that the organisation was infiltrated by agent-provocateurs. Speaking off the record, sources were more blunt: “We’re gonna ☠💣☠⭍ ! the Salmondite Front of Caledonia! They’re WORSE than the British!”
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