Mac Lives Matter

Walter Scott Got His Head Chopped Off

The Scexit Files: Sunday Post, 15 Aug. 2025

Chaos came to Princes Street yesterday after Mac Lives Matter campaigners targeted Edinburgh’s iconic Scott Monument. The 197 foot ‘gothic rocket’ survived the attempt to drill through its supporting pillars, but Sir Walter Scott’s head did not.

Police cordoned off the scene as engineers inspected the damage. The attack is the most daring act so far in the unofficial MLM campaign to cleanse Scotland’s capital of ‘colonial’ symbols ahead of the first anniversary of independence in December. 

Activists have branded the renowned author of Rob Roy and Ivanhoe a “two-faced traitor.” In 1822, Scott controversially invited George IV to Edinburgh dressed in kilt, sporran and full Highland regalia. A statement on the group’s MacFacebook page slammed the visit. “Two centuries of cultural appropriation and Old Reekie still stinks of it!” 

Teller machines at the Bank of Scotland’s corporate HQ witnessed further protests by the MLM youth wing. Customers received their currency with “Scotland’s Quisling” obscuring the writer’s portrait. “We’re very proud of our work on this art project,” an MLM spokeskid commented. Attempts to quiz the youthful protesters on their knowledge of Sir Walter and/or the Norwegian traitor were answered in brief bursts of Anglo-Saxon.

Police Scotland declined to comment on the day’s events until a full investigation is completed, but prosecutions are said to be unlikely after the government’s recent Hate Symbol Act (2024). An official at the Scexit Ministry insisted offensive visual representations were a national affront, but any changes should only be carried out after official approval. 

Speculation is now rife that Sir Walter’s statue will be replaced by a more appropriate figure. Sources at Bute House denied the new Heid o’ Government was in the running for the honour. “She’s flattered of course, but it will probably have to be Connery,” a source suggested. Sir Sean was the largest donor to last year’s successful independence campaign and further contributions are needed for next month’s Bagpipe-a-thon after Dyson, the previous sponsor, pulled out suddenly.

Political reactions were mixed. Alex Salmond condemned the move in a video released from his home in Moscow. “If that woman puts up a statue to 007, it bloody well proves she’s a British agent!!!” But financial markets moved largely in line with expectations as the Scots pound continued its downward trajectory – along with Sir Walter’s head.

The Scexit Files is written by Em du Blu. Tune in next week for the next intallment.

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Written by Em de Blu

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