Disgusted of Prestonpans

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The Scexit Files: The National, 27th April 2021

Letters to the Editor:

Sir – Enough is enough! We have ferries that don’t float, an education system that’s sinking and we’re still top of the Champions League for drug deaths and child poverty. And if that wasn’t enough, ministers in Holyrood are dishing out ‘pork pies’ while their friends have a hand in the till. 

So, why-oh-why hasn’t the SNP found a proper scapegoat for all these shenanigans? Boris is a pig’s bladder on a stick, but even he can’t be blamed for this. 

It’s high time the Scottish government got its finger out! It’s not rocket science. We need more distractions, more divisiveness, more controversies. We must smother every issue in the flag. This is a culture war, for God’s sake! If you use your imagination, it’s not so difficult. So, let’s have Gaelic instructions on vaccines, tartan uniforms for nurses, quarantine at Gretna Green. Weave it all into our policy proposals and we can really weaponise the manifesto with this stuff.

The trick is to keep feeding the media with the narcissism of small differences. Our pro-Indy journalists are doing their best, but if we’re not careful, people will begin to think our TEFLON coating is wearing thin. 

Now that the charges against Salmond have come unstuck, it’s even more necessary to raise our game. Whose fault is it that we’ve ended up with the People’s Front of Albania, for Salmond’s sake? 

The truth is: separatists should never separate. We are better together, even if we think we’re a bunch of egotistical sex pests and perjurers. All this fragmentation is just confusing our own people just when we should be confusing our enemies – especially the enemy within.

Let’s not be squeamish. What we need is proper strategic thinking. At the height of the pandemic, a deluge of contagious patients were discharged into care homes. So, why-in-God’s-name haven’t enough old people died to secure a majority in an Indy Ref? That’s what I want to know!

We can’t wait forever. If we’re not careful, even our own supporters may begin to keel over. It’s simple demographics – get a grip! 

I’ve not even received my pre-filled postal vote so that I can demonstrate that I am a true Scot. I don’t want people whispering that I haven’t done my patriotic duty. 

After all, what could be more loyal than voting for a one-party state. 

Yours etc,



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Written by Em de Blu

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Polls, insults and manifestos

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